Lighting a candle with memories
by Douglas Jenkin
When someone who is loved dies, memories help us ensure that we never forget the person or their place in our lives.
Skylight is a national charitable trust supporting children, young people, adults and their families and friends affected by change, loss, trauma and grief whatever the cause – including bereavement following a suicide.
Memories Matter is a unique pack of cards that provide deeply moving but also uplifting ideas and activities for people of all ages.
Tricia Irving Hendry, who developed the new resource along with Claire Laurenson, notes that Skylight “is often asked for ideas to help people safely keep and celebrate memories of someone who has died. At first memories can be very painful to remember, but we don’t want to forget them either. People can dip into Memories Matter at any time. Those who’ve used it already have enjoyed the practical options it offers and find it gives them memory ideas that they’d never thought of before.”
Tricia says there are important things to remember about grief following a death by suicide.
“When a person has been bereaved by suicide the grief can be especially intense. Suicide is commonly something that those grieving try to understand and as they think about it they become more vulnerable to possibly having suicidal thoughts themselves.
“It's very important that we're honest about this. We need to make sure that our memories are focused on the life of someone and not on how they died. It helps a lot to have a family or friends plan organised for those who might need some extra grief support, or for those who think their own mental health is becoming a concern.
“Keeping ourselves safe, as we remember, is a number one priority.”
The resource is a warmly human guide with many practical suggestions and concrete ideas. As a collection, Memories Matter helps us to focus our memories of a loved one and celebrate both their lives and what they still mean to us, their voice, and ideas – the way they saw the world and helped you to see it too. It will make grief easier to bear for many.
The 49 cards cover seven rainbow coloured themes. In all the cards contain over 250 ideas and activities. The acknowledgements include special thanks to the “many children, young people and adults who contributed their ideas and feedback” which means that Memories Matter comes from lived experience, the best of teachers.
Skylight has experience in equipping, supporting and training the caregivers, relatives, friends, neighbours and workmates, community groups and professionals who care for those affected by loss. That experience shines through in the sensitivity and thoughtfulness you’ll find in these cards.
The first theme is about sensing memories and includes touch, pointing out how comforting touching something that belonged to your loved one can be. Things you can touch can be used to “carry, wear, sleep with, or have on a wall or shelf nearby. It might be things like clothes, a book or toy, a photo, a wallet or key-ring.” The card also suggests finding something small of theirs to keep in your pocket.
A card about “Recording Memories” brings up the idea of writing a letter to the person who has died as a way of expressing things you’d like to have said to the person, thing that might even be private or difficult. The letter can be saved or discarded. It’s the word and what they express that matters.
Lighting a candle is suggested as a comforting and simple way of remembering someone who they miss. The candle – chosen with the person in mind – can be surrounded with things such shells, flowers or leaves. There’s a section about ceremonies, wonderful events that big or small, private or public. “Building Memories” has a card about keeping the name of your loved one alive – making a wreath, naming a project or event after them or donating to the local food bank or library in their name.
An introduction that comes with the card pack which talks about remembering – how sad we feel at first but as time passes becoming easier – and how memories can make us smile or even laugh. “Taking care of your memories,” it says,” is one way to keep caring about the person, and caring about yourself as well.”
Memories Matter costs $45 and is available online at the Skylight shop.
